First Semester, Junior Year

Well, it's almost time to go back home for winter break. Right now I am taking a short break from my reading. Tomorrow, I am going to try and write my paper for my 19th Century cultural history course, on Elizabeth Cady Stanton & The Woman's Bible. I have quite a bit of reading left to do, but I feel able to complete it. I have been keeping up to a greater extent than usual, and was able to do my three other finals on Sunday so I could concentrate on this. I've felt much more on top of things than last spring; I think I had really hit my nadir that time... I was too depressed even to go to class much of the time, and doing my work was a real ordeal. I've been feeling pretty good the past week or so - more comfortable socializing with groups of people. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep this up.

My Trip to New York

As many of you know, I spent my spring break in New York City, visiting the museums and historical sights, going to shows, and having a fun time. It was great to be able to spend my spring break doing something different, and I really enjoyed exploring the city.

Second Semester, Sophomore Year

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, except that I don't know whether I can keep ignoring my frustrations, and maybe putting everything on paper will keep me from brooding over everything as much. Even so, I have my doubts - writing my emotions & frustrations down has always proved frustrating in itself, and what seems to be genuine in my mind becomes contrite and overwrought once I put it to paper. But I might as well try it anyway.

I got back to Bryn Mawr on Saturday (15th) and have yet to get completely settled in to college life, something that worries me a bit. This morning, I couldn't work up the energy to leave the vicinity of my room and get to my class at 9:00. Partly this was because of the cold (and because the class was in the Park Science Center, about as far from my room as possible), but I still worry. Usually I am at my most energetic when school begins. Maybe it's just that I am having trouble adjusting after being sedentary all vacation, and it will hopefully blow over by tomorrow.

There are a few things that are upsetting me, though most of them have been botherming me for a while. I have been thinking about my social problems for a while. My position is a frustrating one: much of the time I feel upset because I am lonely, but, when I try and interact with other people, my lack of social skills makes me self-conscious, and I add my feelings of social inadequacy onto my original loneliness, making myself more depressed than ever. More importantly, I find it difficult to find close friends who like me for who I am because I go to such absurd lengths to keep myself hidden in order to appear "nice" or "normal." Of course, this hasn't really been effective, plus it hasn't made me feel more comfortable around people (well, unless you compare how I am now to how I was in 7th grade), but I am all but unable to control things.

Well, it's been nearly an hour now, so I should try & see if I can get to sleep.