I'm not sure why I'm writing this, except that I don't know whether I can keep ignoring my frustrations, and maybe putting everything on paper will keep me from brooding over everything as much. Even so, I have my doubts - writing my emotions & frustrations down has always proved frustrating in itself, and what seems to be genuine in my mind becomes contrite and overwrought once I put it to paper. But I might as well try it anyway.
I got back to Bryn Mawr on Saturday (15th) and have yet to get completely settled in to college life, something that worries me a bit. This morning, I couldn't work up the energy to leave the vicinity of my room and get to my class at 9:00. Partly this was because of the cold (and because the class was in the Park Science Center, about as far from my room as possible), but I still worry. Usually I am at my most energetic when school begins. Maybe it's just that I am having trouble adjusting after being sedentary all vacation, and it will hopefully blow over by tomorrow.
There are a few things that are upsetting me, though most of them have been botherming me for a while. I have been thinking about my social problems for a while. My position is a frustrating one: much of the time I feel upset because I am lonely, but, when I try and interact with other people, my lack of social skills makes me self-conscious, and I add my feelings of social inadequacy onto my original loneliness, making myself more depressed than ever. More importantly, I find it difficult to find close friends who like me for who I am because I go to such absurd lengths to keep myself hidden in order to appear "nice" or "normal." Of course, this hasn't really been effective, plus it hasn't made me feel more comfortable around people (well, unless you compare how I am now to how I was in 7th grade), but I am all but unable to control things.
Well, it's been nearly an hour now, so I should try & see if I can get to sleep.
No comments:
Post a Comment